barely within the limits of imagination. i feel infinitely grateful and don't know how to begin to describe if i could ever repay my friends, for anything, for being.
sarah threw me a surprise graduation/going away party at cathy's house. it totally came out of the blue though when i thought about it later, the pieces of the puzzle were all there.
all i remember is driving to cathy's around 6 to supposedly see her nephew that she babysits and hang out. her mom told me to go in through the front door instead of the garage because there was "too much crap."
a few hesitant knocks. and an emotional splash of cold water, seeing everyone gathered together. a very random assortment of around twenty people, each with a different meaning in my life. unbelievably so.
and just.. complete speechlessness. i'm still trying to figure it out.
everyone was there (with a couple of exceptions). everyone who ever meant anything to me. it was just an indescribable moment.
and we had fun. we watched edward scissorhands. piled on each other. videotaped stuff. ate ate ate.
eventually going to denny's at 11:30. and i came home around 3. sarah is editing all the video for me into a final goodbye. i can't wait to see it a month or two down the road.
i seriously am still in shock. it was just a wonderful reminder of how much people care even when there are days when it seems anything but that.
i took two trips into the house to carry my stuff. including cathy's stop sign halves, the banister roping from graduation that jim retrieved from the tree, the dark elf trilogy from jesse, a radiohead book and the cure greatest hits dvd from jim and dee, tammi's shirt that says "i'm fat | fuck off" and personal journal, tourist stuff for california and a usc shirt from sarah, mary grace's pringles and mountain dew for good old times, and kristen's north royalton shirt.
i had a long drive home, dropping off paul and sarah. but i got to have a good conversation with her. and it's honestly been the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. you don't know how much it means to me.
i came home and sat on the air mattress after saying hi to mg. i opened the book tammi gave me and started reading the message, and i started crying. i cried all the way through each card and this scrapbook cathy's parents bought that everyone signed.
it was so strange. i feel like i'm not worth all this attention and i dunno, a part of me really wanted to leave with emotional detachment. bitterness even. i'm looking forward to the future so much but it's not going to be easy to leave behind the past.
the past that's made me who i am. the people who have made me who i am.
i'm so blank right now. i can't form these thoughts into logical words and sentences, so i'll leave it at that.
i love you all for everything we've been through, good and bad, big and small. i just want to enjoy this moment. i just want to live in this moment forever.