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Thursday, August 21st, 2003
10:06 am


there's no beginning to the story, but there can always be an end.

this is the breaking point. things are changing.

i'm evolving, or de-evolving to something completely different.

i still care a lot. but this is a different life.

hence, a different journal: casual_frown

please don't feel obligated. if you're interested though, i'd love to have you along.

this journal will remain as a record of the past two years, i guess.

so goodbye, nice knowing you. and maybe hello again.

life is so strange; destination unknown...

(15 wounds | take a stab at it)

Sunday, August 17th, 2003
7:54 pm
so i look like a trendy fashionable chinese boy straight from shanghai now with this dark coppery hair.

it's so so so fucking hot.

i'm going to l.a. so so so fucking soon.

also i'm upset that i missed the northeast power outage. goddamn once-in-a-lifetime experiences.

but it's alright. i love you all. keep on truckin'.

current mood: SWEATY

(4 wounds | take a stab at it)

Wednesday, August 13th, 2003
2:42 pm
i'm afraid of expecting too much and getting let down. i want to keep myself grounded in reality but it's hard, especially now, having lost touch with the life i have known for years and heading towards something completely different.

i have glorious daydreams all the time but i know it won't be like that. still, it'll be a change, and a good one at that. just gotta keep my head under the clouds.

sorry if i haven't gotten around to e-mailing you, i just have so much to catch up with in the short time that i have at these internet places. it'll be easier when i get to l.a. though.

p.s. i'm getting dark brown highlights.

current mood: contemplative

(1 wound | take a stab at it)

Wednesday, August 6th, 2003
11:53 am - you are the sun, and moon, and stars.
i define my life in lyrics. i fluctuate, a lot. screams in this crowded coffin of the world wide web. adolescence.

in limbo more than ever. a strange feeling as i rise at 7 a.m. every day. my neck cracks far too much. blahhhh.

current mood: incoherent

(1 wound | take a stab at it)

Sunday, August 3rd, 2003
12:03 pm - a constant sauna.
we're sitting in this internet cafe around noon on our first day in china. it's august 3 technically but we lost a day after the damn uncomfortable twenty hours of flying.

i've been putting tammi's notebook to good use. after an emotional goodbye at the airport and all, i've been scribbling what i can in between watching in-flight movies and eating pre-packaged "single serving" meals.

it's really really really hot and humid. but it's been a good experience so far, minus the lack of central air conditioning.

there are so many things i want to say but i know i won't get to say them all. so, yeah, just wanted to drop a line and let everyone know what's up.

pray that i stay hydrated! talk to you soon.

current mood: hot

(13 wounds | take a stab at it)

Friday, August 1st, 2003
7:21 am
i haven't had time to come around much lately 'cause things have been crazy the past couple of days.

i'll just leave it at that.

i'm leaving in a few hours, so wish me luck! i'm sure i'll be online sporadically to update livejournal and send e-mails of course.

and for those of you bored enough, here's my flight info for the trip.

they're all on northwest airlines:

august 1
cleveland to minneapolis - flight 1887
minneapolis to tokyo - flight 19
tokyo to shanghai - flight 85

august 19
shanghai to tokyo - flight 86
tokyo to los angeles - flight 2

Anyways, tammi is really awesome. I'm going to miss her so much, never before has a blonde inspired me to be more creative.

guess who wrote that above segment. hahaha.

i still have to pack like a motherfucker. so laters.

current mood: weird

(3 wounds | take a stab at it)

Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
4:08 am
i would write about how we saw pirates of the carribean last night, but something amazing happened.

barely within the limits of imagination. i feel infinitely grateful and don't know how to begin to describe if i could ever repay my friends, for anything, for being.

sarah threw me a surprise graduation/going away party at cathy's house. it totally came out of the blue though when i thought about it later, the pieces of the puzzle were all there.

all i remember is driving to cathy's around 6 to supposedly see her nephew that she babysits and hang out. her mom told me to go in through the front door instead of the garage because there was "too much crap."

a few hesitant knocks. and an emotional splash of cold water, seeing everyone gathered together. a very random assortment of around twenty people, each with a different meaning in my life. unbelievably so.

and just.. complete speechlessness. i'm still trying to figure it out.

everyone was there (with a couple of exceptions). everyone who ever meant anything to me. it was just an indescribable moment.

and we had fun. we watched edward scissorhands. piled on each other. videotaped stuff. ate ate ate.

eventually going to denny's at 11:30. and i came home around 3. sarah is editing all the video for me into a final goodbye. i can't wait to see it a month or two down the road.

i seriously am still in shock. it was just a wonderful reminder of how much people care even when there are days when it seems anything but that.

i took two trips into the house to carry my stuff. including cathy's stop sign halves, the banister roping from graduation that jim retrieved from the tree, the dark elf trilogy from jesse, a radiohead book and the cure greatest hits dvd from jim and dee, tammi's shirt that says "i'm fat | fuck off" and personal journal, tourist stuff for california and a usc shirt from sarah, mary grace's pringles and mountain dew for good old times, and kristen's north royalton shirt.

i had a long drive home, dropping off paul and sarah. but i got to have a good conversation with her. and it's honestly been the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. you don't know how much it means to me.

i came home and sat on the air mattress after saying hi to mg. i opened the book tammi gave me and started reading the message, and i started crying. i cried all the way through each card and this scrapbook cathy's parents bought that everyone signed.

it was so strange. i feel like i'm not worth all this attention and i dunno, a part of me really wanted to leave with emotional detachment. bitterness even. i'm looking forward to the future so much but it's not going to be easy to leave behind the past.

the past that's made me who i am. the people who have made me who i am.

i'm so blank right now. i can't form these thoughts into logical words and sentences, so i'll leave it at that.

i love you all for everything we've been through, good and bad, big and small. i just want to enjoy this moment. i just want to live in this moment forever.

(8 wounds | take a stab at it)

Monday, July 28th, 2003
2:40 pm - two pills just weren't enough.
saturday night rocked the house like no other.

the best '60s go-go themed party ever at roxanne's. hung out with various cool kids that i never get to see (and probably won't see again).

chocolate covered fruit, need i say more? and alison gave me a card with a little gifty and i felt all special. awwww. yay alison.

sunday: i went digging through mg's old photo albums and took a bunch of doubles. then me and tams went up to the mall for a bit, sat in the car while it monsooned outside. went to pick up cathy and paul and we all came back to my place around 8 where jim met us.

i gave them all my small going-away presents. it was really hot and humid and the air conditioning was off. we left to go to friendly's around 10 (tammi says hypocrisy on my part), came back to make spaghetti and watch parts of final destination 2, then headed out again.

dropped tammi off, went up to jim's to grab cathy's guitar while his chihuahuas screeched at us. then me, cathy, and paul went to denny's and floated around for an hour or two. it wasn't so bad. there was the one mohawk kid from the party last week, and this guy jason, crazy carl who asked me if i was on friendster (HAHA), ambiguous taggs, matt, drunk katie who wasn't drunk, and others.

we left around 3 to go to the super k-mart on brookpark. after roaming aimlessly and sampling all the products, we went to paul's house, where everyone promptly fell asleep by 6.

whenever we pull "all-nighters" i'm usually the only one that actually stays awake all night. it's kind of fun though, early morning musings are always interesting. i spent the last couple of hours (until around 8) listening to mp3s on paul's computer, most of which were mine 'cause he burned all my cds.

today is much cooler temperature-wise, i have four days left in cleveland, and i'm going to see a free movie tonight (hopefully!).

no need to waste my time with bullshit. i have too much to look forward to.

current mood: optimistic

(take a stab at it)

Saturday, July 26th, 2003
1:10 pm - spiders in the kitchen.
i cleared out my national city account except for that fucking $9 check from may that platek still has to cash.

but more importantly: i saw the eels and hung out with alison last night.

it was good times! though the crowd was smaller than i'm used to at the odeon, and it was like the strangest group of people from eight-year-old boys to middle-aged men in wheelchairs and assorted teenagers of different styles of music.

the eels are a very good live band. they played some of the newer stuff which i wasn't too familiar with, but it's alright 'cause they squeezed in "it's a motherfucker" and "i like birds." hell yes.

e is a very interesting man.

on the way home we went to denny's and it was good stuff. even though it took like half an hour to get out of downtown because of all the fucking traffic from the gund or something.

and there were annoying prepubescent girls wearing like no clothes at denny's. "i'm going inside, it's cold!"

alison: "maybe you should put some fucking clothes on, ya HO!"

it's past 1 and i still haven't eaten breakfast. i think i'm gonna have a few bowls of cereal.

current mood: peaceful

(take a stab at it)

Friday, July 25th, 2003
2:38 am - the element of progress.
after the shanghai trip and i get to l.a. safely, i think i might abandon this journal. i won't delete it or anything, but leave it as a relic of the past i guess.

with all these big changes, i want to start up another lj. haha i know it's cheesy but it really is symbolic of a new beginning. i know someone out there wants to offer me a code. :)

current mood: weird

(5 wounds | take a stab at it)

12:58 am - embarrassed by its honesty.
it still feels unreal.


i started packing today, even though i have a week left. it's weird sorting through all my personal belongings and discarding clothes, papers, random paraphernalia..

i'm no longer a mall employee. i am also no longer part of the phenomenon known as dollar tree. a bittersweet moment as i left national city with sabrina after close, wearing these aviator glasses (i'm very original) in celebration.

it's the end of an era. seriously. my first "real" job of a year and nine months, over.

it definitely was annoying as all hell but i'll miss the people. jenny blake and her obsession with poison, anti-humanity outlook on life. natalie's hilarious impressions and the few fun times we hung out. sabrina's ditziness, though she means well and we click.

and of course, barb - who could forget barb. one of these years i'm coming back to do a documentary on her.

yeah so i started packing. and now i'm unemployed.

i watched american history x, too. very powerful movie.

seven days and the sky's the limit..

[could i ever have imagined, when i first moved here in seventh grade and was in mr. mack's class with tammi and mary grace and so many others, that they and people i hadn't met and people i wouldn't know for a few years would become so close to me, that five and a half years down the line i'd be living in this strange girl's basement, that parting would be so much more dramatic than anything else in my life? a place that's made me who i am, people who have made me who i am and a strange feeling that this means more to me than i let on or can comprehend at the moment.]

seven days, make it count.

current mood: anxious

(16 wounds | take a stab at it)

Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003
1:04 am - meet me there in the blue.
my neck is uncomfortable. the air mattress isn't doing wonders for my back either, i swear i wake up every morning and it cracks like an elderly woman with arthritis and osteoporosis.

hmm. sunday night consisted of hanging out at paul's house. tammi came along and we watched meet the parents, which was lame as to be expected.

monday i worked with jenny and dave, who is alright but a bit strange. "he just doesn't get it." jenny said when we were talking yesterday. very... dense. or something to that extent.

my last day was supposed to be today but barb's working all day tomorrow and she didn't feel like closing. so she's having me come in for her at fucking 7. that's the most pointless shift ever - 7 to close - a good two and a half hours or so.

oh well. it gives me like another $10 after taxes.

life's pretty decent. besides an amusing little foray into a certain "underworld" tammi knows all too well. i should have tough skin by now, i think. my ego's a little bruised but i'm pretty damn resilient.

my mind is just boggled by how vicious and inane humanity can be. i'm kind of re-evaluating myself as a person. but why should i?

seriously. i'm not indie enough because i don't listen to all the trendy underground bands. radiohead and smashing pumpkins are soooo passe and pre-millennium. we throw ourselves onto a meat market of superficiality to be accepted and adored not for ourselves, but charming facades.

i realize my hypocrisy, as usual. but i just wanted to point that out. it's like tammi's bitter post from the other day.

omfg. you = sex.
have my babies? xoxoxo


i drove paul home from cathy's house at like 12:30 last night because he didn't have a ride. they had just gotten back from ozzfest (big eww). it's hard to believe that i once listened or tried to listen to metal.

i'm in severe deficit because of that kid, but he promises he'll pay up soon enough.

i'm looking forward to a lot of stuff though, i just need to get myself organized and packed by the end of next week. i'm thinking the plane rides should be okay if i keep myself occupied and realistic.

a part of me wants to be bitter when i leave here so the separation will be easier. but i'm too soft-hearted of a person to ever harbor hateful emotions for that long.

i had a dream last night that i ran into amanda nowak, and she asked why i never showed up to her graduation party.

current mood: thoughtful

(8 wounds | take a stab at it)

Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003
11:43 am - the coast is clear.
stuff to buy (eventually).

mars volta's de-loused in the comatorium
bright eyes':
- letting off the happiness
- a collection of songs
- every day and every night
the eels':
- daisies of the galaxy
- electro-shock blues
- shootenanny!
sunny day real estate's:
- lp2
- how it feels to be something on

fight club
requiem for a dream

"fight club" by chuck palahniuk
"requiem for a dream" by hubert selby, jr.
"the perks of being a wallflower" by stephen chbosky

errr... the list is endless, but i've made a pact with mg not to spend any more money until at least sunday.

it's time to start saving. or start a pyramid scheme. or both. ;)

current mood: bored

(7 wounds | take a stab at it)

Monday, July 21st, 2003
3:41 pm - that's just the trouble with magazines.
i made a saddle creek mix cd with twenty-one songs from bright eyes, the faint, rilo kiley, cursive, and desaparecidos.

it's hot in this room and i always sleep too much or too little.

i have mosquito bites on my left arm and neck, like infected hickeys.

my last day of work is wednesday and i work every night until then.

i leave cleveland next friday.

current mood: listless

(5 wounds | take a stab at it)

Sunday, July 20th, 2003
5:32 pm - there was a loophole in my dreaming.
the past few days have been action-packed like a mother and much fun.

friday me and tammi toxicglitterkid went on a hott date. ;) keith is very jealous. i took her to see whale rider at cedar lee, which had subtle feminist undertones and tons of inside jokes to be harvested. it was good but i've definitely enjoyed other movies there more.

tammi: "everyone's looking at us as the fashioncore bi-racial couple."

haha. we went to denny's afterwards and i won this awesome fat duck thing from the claw machine. i have the skills like no other.

saturday morning i went to pittsburgh with mg and the gang. we stopped by her school (pittsburgh tech) to settle some financial stuff, then some family friends, and her great-aunt's - who was a very cute little old lady, adorned with all-pink and an italian accent.

we went to the century iii mall which is this crazy shopping complex with like four stories. bought some unnecessary shirts and we were on our way home around 8.

i went to cathy's around 11 since we were planning on going to this party and pulling another all-nighter. i was walking towards her front door when someone called my name and stepped out of the shadows.

of all the random people in the world, it was jesse who i haven't seen since like march. we talked for a while and caught up with each other, he apologized for that one thing a while back and it was nice. i was never really bitter, just very distanced from him, but i'm very glad we got to make "amends" or at least see each other again before i leave for good.

the party was down on broadview past denny's and in this kid johnny's apartment. the social gathering of punk and hardcore elitists of parma. it wasn't bad though, i had fun with cathy and all while everyone was already drunk and giggly. they also shut themselves away to smoke pot for a few minutes but other than that, stuff was cool.

[except that katie girl who i always see and she was drunk again, and had someone take a picture of us again, and she said i was the cutest kid in the whole world again. hahaha i think i'm more perplexed and disturbed than flattered by this thing she does every time i see her.]

the good, the bad, and the ugly.

we played ninja turtles on the old school nintendo. we found cigarette butts, gum, and ashes in the ice cream (ewww). and rum in the ice tray.

we left to take matt (cathy's ex) home and we hung out in his backyard for like two hours. it was nice though, i love staying up all night. there's a certain point when the entire world is so quiet and you feel a kind of peace growing within.

me and cathy were hungry but couldn't eat, 'cause courtney gave us money to buy her chicken strips from denny's. we sat down for a little - i saw rachel smith and it was cool, we talked for a few moments. it was around 4.

when we got home the latest drama was unfolding. there were a few scattered people left, courtney was awake. long story short, johnny is like so in love with courtney and gave her $60 and let me drive his car so we could go to bedford to bail her brother out of jail.

we kept on going the wrong direction because he was falling asleep and coming off of being drunk and high all night and weird. then he was snoring real loud in the car while we were waiting for courtney at the police station.

everyone was in a pissy mood but i kind of enjoyed it. like an adventure, haha. it seemed kind of fitting because it was just beginning to get light outside. the past night i'd been listening to "sunrise, sunset" on the way home from pittsburgh with mary grace as the sky darkened.

we went back to johnny's and cathy played legend of zelda for a few hours. me and this guy wes were coaching her with helpful advice from our eight-year-old selves. i forgot how much that game rocks.

i took wes home and dropped cathy off at matt's. then went home and took a shower, fell asleep around 10. i woke up around 3 in the afternoon and mg's mom made me a hoagie and scalloped potatoes. it's the good life, alright.

while cathy and courtney are going to try to sneak into lollapalooza tonight through a hole in the fence at blossom, i think i want to kick back, relax, vegetate. i'm in a pretty good mood and i feel like doing absolutely nothing.

[addendum: i got tickets to see the eels with alison on friday!!]

current mood: satisfied

(4 wounds | take a stab at it)

Friday, July 18th, 2003
2:29 am - you can't stay mad at the setting sun.
i had to wake up at 9 to go to dollar tree. :( first time unloading the truck shipment at work, with jenny. my waifish body is still sore. at least it was only an hour and a half shift.

took some unsatisfying naps in the afternoon. drugged by non-r.e.m. sleep, and we're not talking "everybody hurts" here.

later, me and mg visited amber and josh at their apartment. we all went to the purple lotus. finally! it felt like a commercialized ambergram but it was still cool. i got some neat going-away gifts there that i'm sure my friends will like.

i thought about it, and i only have a list of about eight people who i really want to give something to. i'm not expecting much in return, i think i enjoy the giving itself even if it is materialistic. but it's quaint, goddammit! and you'll love me for it. :)

in other news, family guy is the funniest show ever. i don't understand how mg doesn't grasp the satire.

current mood: complacent

(take a stab at it)

Wednesday, July 16th, 2003
2:56 am - set it on fire in a vat of chicken fat.
it's this late night euphoria that makes me feel like everything is okay. even though conversations could have been better, friends could be warmer, life could be more fulfilling, i'm happy with what i have right now.

strange, no?

earlier today me and mg were just lying on her bed, unable to move. laziness to the extreme, we felt "calm as hindu cows" in the stuffy afternoon heat.

but then i went over cathy's. she cut my hair for me out in the backyard on an old bench. it started to rain while we were wrapping up, it was a very emo moment. i like my haircut a lot. but speaking of emo, i look like one of the guys from thursday now or something. hmmm. maybe i'll post a picture tomorrow since you're all dying to see. ;)

courtney came and left, jim and paul came and we went to parmatown to drop off a few applications. and i bought shoes. then we went over to marc's to buy ice cream by the bulk.

i got this huge thing of passion fruit fat-free sherbert for like $2, and man was it fucking good. i ate about a fourth of it and left it at cathy's. my dental hygiene is gonna go down the drain..

a couple hours later we ended up in my basement watching beetlejuice. this was after the crazy water fight throughout the house and all.

it's almost 3 a.m. again, and i'm up doing what? wasting time online. but i'm enjoying it. i'm also enjoying "the perks of being a wallflower" - the author stephen chbosky was a screenwriting major at usc, it turns out.

recently i've been getting to know this wonderful person. it makes me feel like everything will be alright. and i'm a little scared that the feeling won't last, or for some reason or another i'll never make it to los angeles, but i'm trying to be realistic here.

airplane paranoia is the last thing i'll have ruin my mood.

current mood: mellow

(5 wounds | take a stab at it)

Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
11:57 am - they know who is righteous, what is bold.
"sweet" by lamb is an awesome song.

i woke up this morning to mary grace calling from upstairs. "you have a package from new jersey!"


james you fucking rock. i was seriously smiling from ear to ear, i feel so goddamn special, haha. he sent me a care package/graduation present with all this cool stuff such as:

- a very diverse mix cd that i'm listening to right now
- pop up towel from old navy (haha)
- picture album
- amazing star-shaped picture frame with an old times photo
- "angry" piggy bank with candy

and more. ;) weeeee.

what a wonderful way to start off the day. i'm still dancing on air.

current mood: special!

(1 wound | take a stab at it)

1:18 am - acid casualty with the repossessed car.
yesterday i went into work at 12:30 like i was supposed to.

the store gate was locked, there were no lights on. sabrina the third key forgot to show up completely. after sitting on the bench in disbelief for a few minutes, i walked down to mall management but they were closed. so i called customer service, and they got in touch with security, who were already trying to get ahold of barb or jenny.

they just got answering machines though, so as i was about to leave around 1, after sticking a note in the back door, i saw sabrina huff and puff her way into the mall.

long story short, barb was not pleased (being on vacation), we opened at least two hours late on a sunday and became the gossip of every mall employee that swung by for beverages. haha.

i walked into work today, and me and jenny just looked at each other and started laughing.

anyway, i went to bed extremely late again last night - and only because the household was stirring, mrs. c's cousins (?) were over and they went on a father-son fishing trip. god knows why they decided to leave at 4 in the morning.

my phone went off at like 9:30 though, and cathy persuaded me to go out to breakfast with her and courtney. i was groggy but it was good times. we ate at the parmatown denny's where amber's grandma and aunt recognized me and talked all friendly-like. i had this deliciously delicious omelette and hash browns.

then we went to the mall to look for job applications for cathy. i left around noon and bought batteries at cvs and also made a trip to the library to pick up two books: "the perks of being a wallflower" and "the accidental asian."

i've heard a lot about the first for a while, so i thought i'd check it out, especially after tammi's rave reviews. ;) the second book was something my dad was reading a couple years ago actually, and i just somehow realized that it struck me as very interesting. getting in touch with the cultural heritage and whatnot.

i'm watching the pianist right now, about halfway through. it reminds me a lot of schindler's list.

current mood: hungry

(1 wound | take a stab at it)

Sunday, July 13th, 2003
1:35 am - we all live in a yellow submarine.
mary grace's parents bought her a new computer as a graduation gift. this goes along with the $2880 she received from all her relatives. eek, i know it sounds so sad and materialistic, but i'm jealous. oh well; i'm over it.

me, her, and hudak went out to look for a cheap table. garage sales were nowhere to be found, we ended up buying this little black thing on wheels from salvation army for like $20. not bad.

later i went to alison's graduation slash birthday party. it was nice seeing her and roxanne and other people again, like john and nikki, matt molzan, even dave. also met her dance friends andrea and caitlin who were both cool. and of course there was boyfriend brad and brother fred. hahaha.

alison's parents are the coolest.

grad parties are horrible if you try to eat healthy though. why is there always stuffed cabbage?! and goddamn slabs of chicken.. and pastries that call my name.

well we hung out, ate pez and talked, played disney trivial pursuit that was excruciatingly tough and i left around 11:30.

there were a bunch of other parties going on today too, like leslie, casey, and alison schweda (who still has my shirt and hat from april; grr!). but i didn't end up stopping by any of them.

my hair smells like oranges, it's early sunday morning, and i'm trying to keep myself in check. don't get carried away with daydreams and expectations. be hopeful, but realistic. don't be crushed if shit happens. i've lived enough to know that it always does. beep beep boop.

current mood: thoughtful

(10 wounds | take a stab at it)

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